This is the sixth episode of the ASK A FRIEND series. In this episode, we discuss the most repeated dialogue by kids. “I Hate You.” This dialogue is repeated by kids across age groups in various scenarios to get our attention, and blackmail the parents, as a temporary fix. Let’s understand why the children use these three words, “I Hate you,” in today’s episode and how to teach them not to use them.
Did someone poison my child’s brain? Is he really my child?Simplified Parenting and Emotionally Healthy Child Show
Tune into the podcast episode (either in Telugu or English) on the embedded player here now, or listen to it on any of your favorite podcast platforms. If reading is your forte, scroll down for the show’s transcript.
Podcast in English
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Podcast in Telugu
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Transcript of the Episode “Mommy – I Hate You!!”
Today I am coming up with another famous dialogue used by kids across ages. This hurts most parents alike, and some even start doubting their parenting process. Wondering what is that dialogue? Any guesses from your end?
I hate you. I hate you, Mommy or Daddy.
The first time you heard these words, what did you feel? I was totally devastated. Immediately many thoughts started getting triggered in me. Am I a bad parent? Where did I go? Didn’t I show my love to my child properly? Did someone poison my child’s brain? Is he really my child…etc.
But those are just reactive thoughts resulting from my child’s words. And I am more mature and definitely more aged than my child.
So I should take pause without reacting and understand why my child is telling me these words. What’s the underlying reason for those words?
For the younger kids –
The child’s brain is still developing. The child is still learning to name different feelings he or she is experiencing day to day. His Emotional literacy has not fully developed. Hence, they don’t know whether they are frustrated, irritated, or annoyed. They don’t even know how to react in those situations.
So when those emotions hit them in the form of waves…their first reaction would be anger, and they would use what they often hear or observe. Their words I hate you are a result of that.
Teenagers might not say “I hate you” verbally, but they would show their feelings through eye rolls. Their physical and hormonal changes do not let them think straight. They are under the influence of social media and peers. Hence all they want is independence and some space to be themselves.
But since they had already experienced our angry outbursts and scoldings, they didn’t really show the annoyance on their face. But do it in the form of eye rolls and shrugs.
So now, what is the solution? We can tell them not to use those words, but it will not have much effect until we give them an alternative vocabulary to use in these difficult scenarios.
We as parents, need to validate their emotions and feelings at that point in time and give them alternative words to use.
For example. Yes, beta – I understand you are upset with me, and that’s why you are using the words I hate you. But it will not solve your problem. Instead, if you tell me why you are upset with me, I can help you resolve that problem.
Obviously, the child wouldn’t be in the right mindset to hear your explanation then and there. But waiting next to him with a little patience would give the child the confidence that you are there next to him to protect him from this emotional deluge. After the child settles down, you can start explaining in the above manner, and soft reinforcements would change how the child treats you.
Always remember that gentle parenting takes your time and patience, but it will surely give results. As parents, we need to try and understand what’s happening with our child to provide the required help to him at the right time.
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